


Tiny Flags

by MaleaBotor



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, The Making Out With Dave Club, Troll Katy Perry, awkward teenagers, partial credit to Eddie Izzard, seriously I have no clue what's going on here, some sort of weird poly au, sometimes I like to make fun of Homestuck fanfiction memes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-03
Updated: 2012-03-03
Packaged: 2017-11-01 01:05:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaleaBotor/pseuds/MaleaBotor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave claims John's mouth. John thinks Dave is a huge dork. Everyone is really lame but especially Dave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tiny Flags

“Dave…?” asked John, tentatively. “Why did you just put a tiny flag in my mouth?” Dave stared at John, and then stared at the flag he’d just taken out of his mouth. It was made of a toothpick and masking tape and had Dave’s record symbol drawn on it in markers. What had he done wrong? Too soon? Nobody had ever complained before. Oh shit, it was totally because he’d pushed this shit on John, he didn’t want to do anything and Dave was an idiot who had totally ruined their friendship.

“Uh,” said Dave. “Do you not want to do this? I mean, I’m fine with that, not like I care too much, or anything, Egbert, haha, wow.”

“Dave, stop panicking,” said John.

“Whoa, okay, that’s uncalled for, damn,” rambled Dave, “uncool, Egbert, insinuating I’d ever be anything other than not totally chill with a situation, I mean, if you want to not do stuff, that’s totally your—“

“Dude, shut up.” John held up the flag. “Is this supposed to be some kind of dumb ironic thing or something?”

“Yes!” said Dave thankfully, seizing on this new excuse. “And they’re not dumb, bro, this was a totally sick ironic move that you can’t understand ‘cause of how lame you are. Anyway, I’m late for a thing, so…”

So, this whole reaction sucked, but John definitely didn’t suspect a thing. He left the derp reeling in Dave’s ultimately cool wake, and went off to do cool things that were definitely not excuses to hide from John.

***

 “I am not sure Dave understands how making out works!” John told Rose later, demonstrating the tiny flag he’d been keeping in his modus. Rose took the flag and examined it.

“His craftsmanship has definitely improved,” she observed. John stared at her. “Surely you didn’t think you were the only one whose mouth Dave had claimed,” she said, handing it back over to him.

“Is that what this is?” asked John. “Because it’s kind of really weird!”

“I’m afraid that Dave’s taken certain liberties with the ‘facts’ about romance he’s learned,” said Rose, smirking slightly. “Needless to say, none of us have told him it’s not exactly a typical thing to do yet. I think most of us find it fairly charming, or at the very least, hilarious. You’re very probably the first person who’s reacted negatively.”

“It wasn’t a negative reaction!” complained John. “It’s just that it was really weird.” Suddenly, exactly what Rose had said struck him. “Wait, ‘us’? Is there some sort of ‘making out with Dave’ club?”

“You could say that,” said Rose. “It wouldn’t be wholly inaccurate.”

“Why didn’t anyone invite me?! Who else is in the club?”

***

 “I ate it,” Terezi said, and then cackled. There was no other word for the sound she was making. John tried not to be unsettled by how sharp her teeth were and how many of them there were. He mostly succeeded.

“And he didn’t panic, or get mad at you or anything?”

“I am blind, _John_ ,” said Terezi, hopefully just pretending to be mad at him. “How am I supposed to know that when Dave puts a delicious red slip of paper into my mouth, it’s supposed to be some sort of obscure coolkid human ritual?!”

“I think it’s just a Dave ritual, really,” said John.

“That’s what I just said!” said Terezi.

“Okay.”

“Anyway, what is your excuse for failing to participate in his ritual?” she asked him. He really, _really_ hoped she was still just pretending to be mad at him. “Is it that stupid homosexual thing Karkat complained about for sweeps?”

“No, it’s because he put a flag in my mouth!” said John. “Who even does that!? That’s not even a thing _anywhere_.”

“Obviously, you’re wrong about that,” said Terezi. “Dave does it. Maybe you should have joined the Making Out With Dave Club before you agreed to make out with him.”

“You mean there’s actually a real club?!”

***

“Fuck you, Egbert,” said Karkat. “Fuck you and your idiotic human concepts and me for being such a grubfucking moron for even listening to your stupid shitty problems in the first place.”

“Wow,” said John. “Okay.”

“Don’t actually leave!” shouted Karkat, and John froze mid-turn. Karkat was really difficult to parse sometimes. “So what you’re telling me is that you want to join this oozing pustule of a ‘Dave Club’ that Terezi created and I didn’t even agree was a thing but am apparently a member of, based entirely on the fact that I have one of these things?” He took a tiny flag out of his modus and brandished it at John.

“You kept it?” asked John, amused. “You have it in your modus _right now_?” Karkat made a hilariously infuriated face, his eyes bulging slightly like he was going to explode. John’s Prankster’s Gambit went up a couple notches and he hadn’t even been trying. This was why hanging out with Karkat was great. “Hehehe,” he laughed, and then made a token effort at making sure Karkat didn’t give himself a coronary. “Calm down.”

“I am as calm as I can be with you coming to me and telling me that you’re apparently Smug-Assholesexual, forget everything you’ve fucking said before,” growled Karkat.

“That was four years ago,” John said flatly. “I was 13 and Dave asked first _now_. I thought you were over this! You didn’t say anything when I made out with Sollux last weekend!”

“Sollux told me that was just a thing humans do after ingesting alcohol,” Karkat said, uncertainly. “He showed me a song by Human Katy Perry to prove it, and I don’t have a fucking clue why she chose to communicate her sociological research through music instead of papers and documentaries like the vastly superior Troll Katy Perry but—“

“Karkat,” John interrupted, trying really hard not to laugh, “Katy Perry is just a lame pop singer.” Karkat gaped at him and he gave up on not laughing.

After Karkat yelled at him and Sollux for a while, he gave up on not making out with him too.

***

“You should apologise to Dave,” said Jade, and chewed absently on a rubber bone. John barely noticed at this point. “He’s probably still in his room panicking that you will never be friends again and he’s messed up everything forever. Dave’s kind of a fucking dumbass.” They both nodded solemnly at each other in agreement.

“I just don’t see why I have to apologise about something stupid like this,” said John. “There’s no way I could have known that he claims people’s mouths with a flag. Or that there was a secret club Terezi created that I needed to join.”

“I nearly have every stamp I need to get to Level 3,” said Jade happily, showing John her membership card. It had a blindingly neon picture of her drawn by Terezi, and stamps in random colours and places on it. “I just need the ‘I made that noise because it’s ironic’ award and I get a free dinner at Applebee’s!”

“Terezi made a new stamp just for me,” said John ruefully. “It’s the ‘You Fucked Up’ stamp.” He showed Jade. It was cerulean blue.

“Yeah,” said Jade. “You should definitely apologise anyway.  He’s pretty good at kissing once he stops being weird!”

“Bluuuh,” said John. “Fine, okay. I’ll do it.”

“It’s totally worth it!” said Jade, grinning. “The prize for Level 1 is a box of chalk! It’s pretty great, even if she takes the red piece out before she gives it to you. Oh, shitnooks,” she added, when she accidentally bit a chunk off of the bone. “I just _bought_ that.”

***

If Dave wanted to make an entire comic page that was just Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff making out, that was completely his choice, and definitely unrelated to anything else that had happened that day. Equally unrelated was how he lunged to cover his entire monitor with his body when John entered his room without knocking.

“Hey, man,” he said in a casual manner, leaning backwards and a bit sideways. “Sup?”

“Dave, what the heck are you doing?” asked John.

“Nothing,” said Dave. John advanced on him and, fumbling madly, Dave managed to unplug his monitor just in time. “Just chilling out here, leaning on my computer and all.”

“Okay…” said John. “I was going to say sorry for reacting like a normal person to you being weird, and you’re already being weird again. Nobody but you puts tiny flags inside people’s mouths!”

“Hey, if you can’t understand my sweet style, it’s fine,” said Dave. “I already told you, bro.”

“Yeah, you warned me about flags, I get it,” said John. “Only you didn’t, Dave! There was no warning and suddenly there was a flag in my mouth! I don’t even know where you were keeping it when you were talking to me literally 5 seconds before!”

“I took it out of my modus with my mouth,” Dave explained, and then wished he hadn’t. John made a face and then laughed at him. For a really long time. Dave sunk into his chair and tried to look like he was too cool to be affected by all the laughter.

“Ok,” said John finally, and a little breathlessly. “Can we try making out again without flags?”

“Are you telling me to compromise my cool moves for you, Egbert?” said Dave. “I’m not sure I’m willing to do that.”

“You said it was ironic,” said John.

“My ironic cool moves,” Dave amended.

“Awesome!” said John. “That’s one of the green stamps verbatim!” And then he made out with Dave before he could ask what the fuck he was talking about.

Which was a lucky break, because ruleswise, the Making Out With Dave Club was not unlike Fight Club, and another cerulean stamp would have put John _way_ behind everyone.

**Author's Note:**

> I maintain that this is all Harry's fault.


End file.
